Numb
by thecountessdorkula
Summary: SNK Kink Meme Fill-Hanji has a miscarriage while Levi goes on a mission. LeviHan


**Note: I hate myself for filling this. I should never have filled this.**

* * *

Levi was numb. He felt empty and most of all, just numb.

"I'm sorry," He could hear Zoe whisper. He could hear the hurt in her voice, but she was trying to be there for him. She had had time to mourn and let the situation sink into her mind while he had not yet had that chance.

The situation was just so harsh. They were both upset and he knew he should try to help her through it as well, but he was just so numb himself. Could he have prevented this if he had just stayed behind? Perhaps he could have tried talking Erwin into postponing the mission. But still, how much would this have actually have helped? He would not have been able to assure their unborn child's safety.

She rubbed his hand in a soothing manner. He scolded himself; he was sure that he should be the one comforting her. She should have been the one more upset. She had been the one carrying the child, felt it inside her, realized that she was bringing the tiny life to the world, yet there he was so, so numb.

"It just wasn't meant to happen."

It had been a total mistake. They were never meant to be parents; he was not meant get her pregnant; they were never meant to have a family. It did not stop him from imagining it, though, after she broke the unexpected news. It was not supposed to happen, but he privately let himself get carried away by the thoughts of Zoe holding their newborn child. He was enamored at the thought of their child's tiny palm grasping one of digits. He got lost in the thoughts of helping their son or daughter learn to walk or talk or teaching a little boy all he knew about killing Titans or playing tea party with a little girl, or even vice versa. And now, all of those dreams were crushed.

Levi thought he would feel relieved when he got back from the outside. He thought that, even with the crushing blows and the many brave sacrifices the Scouting Legion had been faced with this trip, that he could come back and rejoice that he still had Zoe and their unborn child. He never expected to come to find out that she had miscarried while he was gone.

Everything was crashing down around him. He had been foolish and let himself get over his head in unrealistic thoughts. He should have known that none of it was ever meant to happen, that he could not be graced with such a blessing as a family, that he could be a father. He had never realized that he had wanted to be such until after the mistake that he had made, and he could no longer consider it a mistake.

It was not a mistake. It was just not planned. The thought of raising a little family with Zoe Hanji was a joyous one and all that was now gone. He was just left so numb. He did not know what to feel, what to think, what to do. All he could do was hurt and feel lifeless, numb.

Life was precious. Levi realized this all too much. He had seen so many soldiers die before him, but the thought of him creating a life with such a beautiful, wonderful woman had actually made him happy inside. He did not show it much, but Zoe realized that he had been happy. She had just not realized how happy he had been and how hard this all would hit him.

"Come here," She mumbled, pulling him closer. She wrapped her arms around him tightly, letting him silently cry into her shoulder. She let him express his emotions as much as he needed.

It passed his thoughts of how hard it must have been for her as well. She had been alone, without him. She could tell he was feeling guilty about being so upset himself and she shushed him; she assured him everything would be alright. Though, nothing felt alright. Their unborn child was dead before it even had had a chance to live. He had not even been there with her when everything spiraled downward.

He was dedicated to his job, but he wished that he could have been there for his family, for _their_ family. He had not laid eyes on their child, yet he had begun to love it with all of his heart, and it was gone before he had the chance to meet it.

"It won't be the same," She spoke quietly, "But I'm up for trying again if you want."

She was right: it would not be the same. Still, the thoughts of those moments spent with a precious son or daughter flashed through his mind once again. He had been so happy at the thought of being a father, something he had never realized he had wanted before just weeks previous.

He hugged her closer. He was at least glad she was fine, that nothing had happened to her. The thought of their lost unborn child still stung, though. It would take time before he would be over the ordeal and that was only natural. But, maybe over time, the numbness would go away and maybe that happiness he felt in the very beginning would replace that.

"Let's try again, Four-Eyes; let's have a baby."


End file.
